Last night, over 2 big glasses of Heifeweizen at Patrick Conway's, I listened to unsolicited advice from my 30something guy-friend from Detroit who is still single, seriously dating and ever-ready for marriage. He wanted to have drinks after class and talk about this girl he's very interested in. He's been through several relationships, and lived together with the most recent ex for about 5 years, before they decided to call it quits. He went to New York to study and fulfill a dream, and now has a sweet job offer waiting for him back in Michigan.
Of course that's just his story in a nutshell, and there are plenty more details in-between. Two hours into the conversation, I picked up a lot of lessons from him - some I already know, and some... quite refreshing.
1. Learn to stand up for your partner.
Ladies, will you just weep in a corner when you see a tramp sit on your boyfriend's lap and flirt with him? There's only one Subservient Chicken in this world, and that's not you, so put those aeroboxing skills to practice until you see K.O.!
2. Communication is key.
You are not going to get anything from talking to a rock, right? So don't be one.
3. Be open and honest.
If you are really into playing XBOX all weekend, let her know immediately.
If you are not ready to meet the parents or get married or have kids, let her know before she starts planning the details down to the color of the cake icing.
If you are allergic to cats, and she absolutely adores them, get allergy shots (just kidding).
4. Do not set rules.
Of course, there will always be universal rules like don't sleep with somebody else, don't pretend to be a guy (when you're really gay), don't pick fights for the sake of it or whatever. We are rational beings. But don't manipulate a relationship down to dictating the number of times you have to see each other a week, what color of clothing you have to wear, what and what not to say about your relationship in front of friends or how many cups of rice you can eat for the day. Not only will your partner feel suffocated, the more she will want to be free.
5. Do not pick fights to get attention.
You are not getting any this way. Ever.
6. Talk about the future openly.
At some point, unmarried couples need to sit down and do an "update meeting" to see if they are both on the same page about plans for the future.
7. Do not live together (unless you are absofuckinglutely sure you are marrying this person).
If you broke up and had invested in an apartment or a house already, not only is talking about money matters unsexy and dirty, it can also unleash the asshole in you. Moreover, the fight over who gets your babies, Spot or Kitty, is nerve-racking.
8. Always involve your partner during life-changing decisions such as career or a big move.
Being "involved" in each other's lives is key, so when you start making big decisions on your own, you are most probably better off on your own. Moreover, LDR's never work. You're lucky if you have the same level of happiness if he is within arm's reach, or say... in Alaska. It can work, but you have to be able to afford it.
9. It just happens.
People who have just met can be engaged in a month's time. People who have been together for 25 years can suddenly have a fall out.
10. Guys and girls have different ways of coping from a heartbreak.
Guys cry all day at home, seek plenty of "guys night outs" and eat chocolate, and girls go to stripclubs, drink alcohol and make out with the first guy she sees. Wait, isn't it the other way around?
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